"They Left Me Behind!"

Throughout Mexico and Central America, children and youth whose parents have migrated to “El Norte” (Northern Mexico or the US) often experience loneliness, depression, anxiety, and feelings of abandonment. Despite the best efforts of both parents and caregivers to remain connected, the kids often suffer.

For adults, there are two important considerations in the decision to migrate. First, there is increased financial security for both the migrants themselves and for those in who remain in the country of origin. The economies of many communities and even both countries are highly dependent on remittances from family living abroad. Second, with increased economic security, the migrants can provide a “better life” for those family members who remain behind.

Today, while many parents cite education and a higher standard of living as goals for their children, more and more parents are forced to migrate to provide for basic necessities, such as food and clothing.

The kids who are left behind often remain in their own homes or communities under the care of other family members, but migration of one or both parents means significant change. While fathers are traditionally seen as the providers for the family, mothers are the nurturers, the moral compass for the family, the ones who hold everything together, and their absence significantly disrupts the family structure (Carranzo, 2022).

According to the Migration Data Portal (2023), women are an increasing share of the migrant population, currently representing just under 50% of all migrants. The majority of female migrants are mothers, and “this represents in itself the great dilemma of migration: women migrate to give their children a better future, but in order to do so, they must separate from them” (Díaz Prieto & Kuhner, 2016).

Family restructuring takes place as caregivers struggle to meet the physical, emotional, and mental needs of children and youth who are left behind. They must deal with issues of authority and discipline, particularly when the children are angry, resentful, and disrespectful. Children and adolescents become more vulnerable to gang violence, substance misuse, and victimization in the absence of their parents.

But many are beginning to question exactly what a better life entails, as seen in responses recorded during a recent study by Carranza (2022):

It’s hard sometimes ‘cause parents leave to provide a better life for their children, but when I see these kids sort of lost, I asked myself, ‘what is a better life?’ Yes, they no longer go hungry. There is always food on the table, but their mother is not there. It makes you think . . . really, what is a better life?

Another adolescent in this same study commented:

Me and my brothers have our basic needs covered. My parents send us what we need, but the money and things do not compensate for the loneliness and the lack of affection that we endure every day.

The absence of the migrant is felt at many levels. Caregivers are often dealing with their own feelings of loss. While children struggle with the absence of their mom or dad, the grandparents are dealing with the loss of a son or daughter, the stress and worry over their safety and wellbeing, not knowing if they will ever see them again.

Siblings may feel resentment at being left behind to care for nieces or nephews--or wish they were the ones who had migrated. And older children often feel the responsibility of caring for or protecting their younger siblings or their aging grandparents.

These emotions are complicated by the expectation that once a family member migrates, they will send money back to help support the family. As one 15-year-old boy commented, “Sometimes, I start to think that maybe the money [my grandma] gets is more important than me. Like, would she still care for me, if she didn’t get money?” (Carranza, 2022).

Ramón was one of these kids who was left behind. In February, after nearly 10 years of being separated from his mother, the emotional pain of abandonment and the crushing burden of adult responsibilities became too much, and Ramón took his own life.

At age 17, Ramón was living with and helping his grandparents to care for the cattle, the crops, and the remaining family members. Ramón’s grandparents, who are nearly 80, raised 8 children. Two have passed away, and all have left the community, leaving behind wives and children who are supported by husbands and sons working in El Norte.

Ramón was 8 when his father died and his mother left their rural farming community to seek work. She soon remarried and started another family. He and his younger brother, who was 6, were left in the care of their grandparents. Ramón’s grandparents had raised 8 children, all of whom have now left for other communities or for El Norte.

Most members of this rural community are not native speakers of Spanish. The children grow up speaking an indigenous language until they enter school, and teachers are ill equipped to deal with the needs of second-language learners. Many kids become frustrated with learning and never finish elementary school. Others fail to study due to a lack of economic resources. Families must furnish shoes, school uniforms, and supplies. For Ramón and his younger brother, both realities meant that they did not attend school. And besides, they were needed to work and help their grandparents.

Like many adolescents left behind with caregivers, Ramón and his brother lost their way. Ramón’s brother, like many of his cousins, began using drugs. The family had already lost several young men to addiction, and an aunt and uncle in the US had sent for the brother.

For Ramón, this was the final rejection, the final act of abandonment. His brother had always been a constant in his life, and now he was gone. He asked himself why the family had chosen his brother, but not him. Why had they all left him alone with the full responsibility for the family? Why hadn’t his mother returned? Was her new family more important than him?

Ramón had no hope, saw no way out of his current situation, and he hung himself.

Every child and every family is different. Not all children will experience this level of despair and hopelessness, but many do. Family separation is difficult. As each of us interacts with migrants and refugees, please take a moment to pray for those who were left behind.

References:

Díaz Prieto, G. and Kuhner, G. (2016). Women Fleeing Violence in Central America: Research Contributions for Understanding the Current Refugee Crisis. Institute for Women in Migration https://imumi.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Women-Fleeing-Violence-in-Central-America-ingles.pdf

Gender and Migration (March 2023). Migration Data Portal, https://www.migrationdataportal.org/themes/gender-and-migration

Carranza, M. (2022). The Cost of “A Better Life”: Children Left Behind—Behind Ambiguous Loss, Journal of Family Issues 43(12), 3218-3243. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X211044482